Great Ochuk Post

So this guy I know, Adam, has just written an excellent post about the Christian male and their approach to relationships. It's called "The Christian Male and Their Approach to Relationships". Let me know what you think.

The Christian Male and Their Approach to Relationships*
September 24th, 2007

"This question was posed to me in the comments of the last thread:

I’ve had a few recent discussions about how Christian guys approach dating, and it sounds like their approach is exactly like that of a non-Christian guy. Would you agree, or disagree? Should there be a difference in method and what does that possibly look like. Does that make sense? (I’m sure you have blogged about this. The context of this topic comes from discussions I’ve had with some people, and hearing about their experiences.) I’m looking for a narrow focus here, if possible.

There are three questions here: 1) Do single Christian men approach dating relationships the same way a non-Christian does? 2) Should there be a difference?, and 3) what does it look like? The short answer: 1) yes and no, 2) yes, 3) I’m not really sure but I have a few ideas.

One thing I’ve observed in single Christian men is their timidity towards women. This I have observed in myself and have heard much complaint from my lovely single Christian women friends. It’s a real phenomenon. Many of these friends have expressed frustration at the fact that they are regularly asked out by non-Christian men, and are perpetually overlooked by Christians ones. So with regard to the first question, here are some reasons why Christian men behave in erratic ways.

When you are a non-Christian you don’t care about commitment and marriage. You just want to have fun (romance/sex). When you become a Christian you suddenly become more sensitive to those things, and you have to learn how to change your approach to relationships with these things in view. This affects your approach to women because you still use the same methods of finding them (whose the best looking/most fun?) and to find a wife you feel like you have to find the “perfect girl” or your “dream girl.” Hence the “trophy Christian girl” phenomenon (the cutest/godliest/most submissive girl who gets all the attention while many others are passed over). Hence commitment phobia towards whoever might otherwise be good (am I settling?). On top of that is the pressure to become a super-husband that must make 50 to 80,000 a year, be a spiritual leader, in shape, sensitive, manly, ect. Non-Christian men seem to have more confidence with women because the standards they hold themselves to are much lower than ones imposed on Christian men by the church and perhaps themselves. They can easily pursue someone with interest without the idea of permanence in their mind. The unfortunate reality is that many Christian men are looking for someone who doesn’t exist. If that person does exist there are most likely a number of interested men that they have to compete with. And the women they overlook often far exceed what what is considered to be ideal anyways.

Part of a Christian man’s sanctification is to learn how to see Christ in women and value his qualities over and above the values they had in place before they decided to follow Christ. To be sure, men in general mostly value looks above everything else. Or at least it seems that way. In the dating scene, the unfortunate reality is that biological factors, such sexual selection, play a bigger role in how we become attracted to one another than what a person’s character is like. Men will be interested in a girl because she is sexually interesting. That is a fact of life. However, it is important to keep in mind that this interest is superficial. No one breaks up with someone because they aren’t cute/funny/smart enough. If they do they never really cared in the first place. But if they do care and the relationship ends it is because the person broken up with was untruthful, stubborn, proud, judgmental, critical, lazy, emotionally unstable, or in unfaithful to commitments. The opposite of these things are the bread and butter of relationships. These very plain/vanilla qualities are what I am talking about when I say Christian men need to learn how to be attracted to Christ in women. If a woman is honest, flexible, humble, accepting, supportive, hard-working, emotionally secure, and faithful to her commitment a Christian man should be drawn to them. There is no excuse.

Of course there are a laws of attraction and compatibility that simply have there way. Men and women should not overanalyze those things, because what creates a “spark” between two people is often very mysterious. Still, I think the virtue ethic of love needs to be something all Christians learn how to put into practice. Christ is the reason why we know each other, and Christ is the reason why we love one another. This Christian love should take precedence over the favoritism we might show someone simply because they are attractive to us. Of course, we should not literally treat the opposite sex like they were our brothers or sisters, because that creates an analogy that implies incest.

Still, we must understand that even in marriage the foundations of our relationship ought to be Christ. We relate to the other person as a redeemed person, chosen, and dearly loved. Kingdom relationship ought to govern how all other relationships, whether they be of friendship or romance in terms of priority. Sadly, I have had to learn this the hard way. I have been hurt and hurt others without having these things in mind. Thankfully, I have had very loving and courageous Christian women in my life to point these things out to me even when I didn’t want to hear it. I pray that I will do it right “next time” and keep other people’s interests higher than my own."

* Reprinted with permission