Let's Go To The Ren Fest!

So, last weekend I took it upon myself to go, along with a couple friends, to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival and take part in all the gay festivities. The Ren Fest happens all throughout August and September with a various weekend themes. The theme while we happened to be there was "Italian Carnival".

According to the website, Italian Carnival is supposed to feature "a flower festival, spaghetti eating contest, garlic seminar, garlic cooking demonstration, meatball throwing contest, mask fashion show, and Italian opera." Incidentally, one of the weekend themes is "Fiesta Renaissance". Seriously? I guess nothing says "medieval days of yore" like a taco eating contest and salsa dancing lessons. "How now, senior. I pray thee, from wence doth thou acquire thy hot sauce? By my faith! I require some thusly." Wow.


As you can see, thousands of people hit this thing each and every weekend. There are even people there that you'd never expect to see in a Mid-Western, European festival, like punks:


Cowboys:


And black people:


Yes, they all flock to take in the majesty of the Ren Fest, and I don't blame them. There's plenty to do and see. For example, you can see the latest in Medieval Fashion.


For men, there's the ever popular army-like pleated green skirt. This is best paired with a slimming black top, flaming green leather boots and a peacock feather. For extra effect, tie a huge, light colored sash around your paunch (though this does counter-effect the slimming effects of the top).

If this doesn't suit you, can go with a much simpler look and simply give yourself a tail.


Yeah - I have no idea either. Perhaps it's the only tail he's seen in a while...

Medieval women are sporting a more conservative look this year. Take a glance at this lady:


Notice how she is completely covered in loose, billowy fabric from head to toe. She even throws in a floor-length cape and hat. Yup, completely covered. Oh yeah, except for her GIGANTIC RACK! It's so big that the sun glints off it in the picture rendering it difficult to see. Probably a good thing.

Kids seemed to get the best deal as they were both cute and fully covered.


Brides for sale!

"But Laura, what is there to do at the Ren Fest?" Well, I'm glad you asked. Besides making fun of the other fair-goers, there are plenty of activities to check out. You can leave your husband on a stoop for others to make fun of him:


At least I think they're all husbands. Some of them look a little "gender neutral" to me.

You can hurl tomatoes at a man with his head through a hole while he makes fun of you:


Or you can make fun of heinous criminals imprisoned in the stocks with their crimes apparent for all to see:


Come to think of it, most of the activities at the Ren Fest are geared toward making fun of people. I guess that's what happens when no one's got any TV to watch.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Where's all the "Italian Carnival" excellence that we've been hearing about?" Well, here's the thing. My friends and I spent six hours at this deal and didn't see anything that resembled what the Italian Carnival promised us. True, maybe we just happened to miss all the shows and demonstrations. Maybe we were at a different end of the park when those were going on. But what about the flowers? I'm no expert, but "a flower festival" sounds like there should be flowers everywhere.

I looked high and low, and the only flowers I could find were these fake, sun-bleached ones:


A festival, it was not. Did you notice the "Sir Loins Prime Rib Sandwich" sign? That's where I chose to eat when lunch rolled around. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a very poor choice. The sandwich consisted of fat with a few shards of beef attached on a greased-up bun.


I had to choke back the vomit just seeing that again. So, I hopped over to the "Sir Bowl of Soup" booth and scored me some vegetable stew in a bread bowl.


Much better.

So come one, come all to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival! I don't know if it's worth $20 a ticket, (we happened to get in for free) but if you've got absolutely nothing else to do, then the faire's for you. Fare thee well!