Sigh....

Its almost my birthday. I'll be turning 26 on the 26th - one week from today. Yup - golden. I remember thinking that I'd never get to 26. As a kid, my golden birthday seemed so incredibly far away. My little sister had hers when she was ten. Jerk. I mean, it just wasn't fair - she was "the pretty one" AND she got to have a golden birthday. Sigh. But, now its finally my turn.

"Am I excited?" you ask me. Not really. Sorry to burst your bubble after that big build-up. This is going to be one of those posts that makes everyone think I'm a negative and forelorn person. In reality, I can be quite spunky and fun to be around - whinny blog posts notwithstanding.

You see, my problem is that I've always felt like birthdays are a lot of pressure. I'm not talking about any sort of "where am I going" or "what am I really doing with my life" crisis. I'm content that I'm doing what I should be at this time, and that God will take me to where I need to go as long as I've got my eyes open and am willing to act. I'm content with who I am and with my life. Of course I want things, but I have a lot of hope for the future.

No - to me, birthdays are more like "go time". Its like being in the superbowl, about to kick a field goal that's going to either win or lose the game for you. Its a lot of pressure, and you'd almost rather stay at home than risk blowing it. But, the rewards of making the field goal and winning the game exceed the fear of messing it up.

Think about it - to pull off a successful birthday, you need to contemporaneously, find something to do that is fun for various groups of people that you know from different places. You have to put it all together, try to get everything to run smoothly, and try to make sure everyone has someone to talk to and is having a good time, and hope that what you're doing is actually something people want to do. You need to answer everyone's questions, make sure no one gets lost on the way to the party, make sure there are reservations, parking, and enough time to pull it off, make sure that it isn't too expensive for people, etc.

Suddenly, the whole night speaks volumes about who you are for some reason. And that's where the real pressure comes in. Whether or not people are having a good time reflects on you. Hell, whether or not people show up, or actually want to be there reflects on you - who you are, what contributions you've made, etc. And that sucks.

I just don't like all of that attention. That isn't to say that I don't like my points getting across or anything like that. I hate it when peope ignore me or act like what I say doesn't matter. I like things to be even. I like to be in the middle of things - not forgotten, but not in the spotlight either. I like to blend in with the crowd, yet be a unique part of what makes up the crowd.

You may ask, "But Laura, how is it that you can MC a group or speak at functions?" Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, speaking in front of people is not really that difficult for me, because I'm usually speaking on a topic of some sort. I know what I need to say, and how to say it effectively. I'm not really putting myself out there - I'm putting information out there. What I'm saying doesn't determine my value.

So, you're probably now asking, "But Laura, why don't you just not have a party if its so weird for you." The truth is, I love people, I love my friends, and I would much rather hang out with them than anything else. I'm just secretly a people-pleaser at heart, so what I'm mostely worried about is being a burdon on everyone else with my birthday.

If you like being in the middle, its safe to say that its much easier and/or safer to hide in the crowd than have all the attention on you. But then again, you'd never win the big game if you run back to the locker room and go out and take a chance and kick the damn field goal. And to me, being able to spend time with my friends is worth the chance that everything could go wrong and reflect negatively on me. And, lets face it - I just need to trust that people will consider it a joy to celebrate my birthday with me - no matter what happens. I probably just need to relax.