The Most Dangerous of our Species: Part Deux

In continuation of my public service, I present the next in long line of examples of very dangerous people out there. These people are drunk off their own perceived power, and go around making other people waste their time on them in a feat of extreme annoyance. Today, we take a closer look at:

The University of Minnesota's Bicycle Police Force

The other night, I was at Applebees on the U of MN campus. A large group of friends and I were happily chowing down half price appitizers and dollar beers. It was a going away party for our friend Harper, who was leaving on a stint as a missionary in Africa. We chatted, we laughed, I had the bonless buffalo wings (minus the buffalo sauce) and the veggie patch pizza, and general merriment was had by all.

Late into the night, the party broke up and we all attempted to leave. This, however, would prove to be just a little too much to ask. The guest of honor (Harper) had biked over there to meet up with everyone. Living close by and with great weather, it was a seemingly wise choice.

WRONG!

Because when you at least expect it, the U of MN Bicycle Brigade is there to mess up your night. When Harper walked outside, she discovered that her bike had been "booted" by the U of MN Bikers with a "U-Lock".


You see, when you have a bike around the U, its a good idea to lock it up when you leave it so it doesn't get stolen. Often, there are clearly marked spots in which one can lock up a bike. Just as often, there are signs posted that indicate where bikes should not be locked to under any circumstances. Applebees has neither, so Harpster simply locked it to a metal railing outside the restraunt, near the parking lot.

Sound the alarm - this looks like a job for the Bike Brigade!

There was a phone number on the U-Lock to call, to alert the cops that you'd like your bike back. Now, not being a bike rider myself, I was never aware that this entire service even existed. I had seen bike cops around campus before, but I just figured that they were there so that the U couldn't get sued if someone got assulted because there was no "police" presence nearby. I had no idea that they were so hard-core on bike locking protocal.

The "cops" pulled up on their little bikes, and unlocked Harper's bike. The conversation went like this (and remember, there are a dozen or so of us standing around at this point, and we're all about 25 and long-done with school):

Harper: Yeah, um... my bike got booted.

Bike Brigade: Yes it did. You are not allowed to lock your bike to this structure. Were you aware that this railing was private property?

Harper: Oh... well, I didn't see a sign saying I couldn't park it here...

BB: There is clearly a place to lock up bikes around the corner on the far side of this building. This right here, is technically a private railing, and not a part of the U of MN. Statue #2983@#$2987#(##@4 states that no person may willfully attach any private property to it without the written consent of the railing's owner and ...... (etc.) Now, we won't give you a ticket THIS TIME, but be aware that we won't be so lenient next time. Please don't let this happen again.

I didn't hear what Harper said in reply to them, mainly because I had turned around to avoid laughing right in these dork's faces (very polite of me, I believe). To get the full effect of this interaction, picture two (obvious) students on their bikes with quasi-cop uniforms on and matching helmets. Sort of like this:


I thought about telling them that if it weren't people for Harper who innocently secured her own property from getting stolen in order to be a good consumer and hang with her friends before spending the next nine months in Africa, they wouldn't be able to have their piddely excuses for work-study jobs and wouldn't be able to pay back the big time loans they're incuring while trying to make it through general college. Yes, little nerd-ball bike cops, you are saving the world through your heroic actions. Good work!

Oh, and by the way, if we're not technically on the U campus, what the heck are you two champs doing here? Aren't you a little off your "beat"???

Now, I realize that there is a time and place for everything, even lame bike cops. People could lock they're bikes to railings, graduate, and never come back to get them! There could be virtual piles of rusted bikes chained to any available space, leaving none for anyone actually still using their bikes. Then, the alumni wouldn't fork over the big bucks, the campus being a huge eye-sore and all. But, just a tip: Next time, show up, unlock the bike, perhaps say something short about not being able to park it there, and leave. Don't go into the the finite rules of railings and threaten to take our hard-earned money away. You see, this is where the power-abuse/extreme annoyance part comes in. And that's why no one likes you.

Obviously, these people were pushed down a bit too often in elementry school, were never picked for sports in middle school, and could never get dates in high school. They grew up to become bike cops, so that they could spend Friday night riding around U-Locking other people's bikes instead of actually trying to develope the necessary social skills to successfully do anything normal. But hey, they have been given the supreme authority to do this, and damn it, they will use it for all they're worth.

So raise a dollar beer for these brave young warriors! There will surely be a place in Heaven for thee!