Reviews You Can Use: Chuck E. Cheese!

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It's a little known fact, but I used to work at the Chuck E. Cheese in Green Bay, Wisconsin when I was a senior in high school. It was a pretty sweet gig - especially when you got to dress up as a giant mouse to the delight of dozens of children. One of the best parts of the deal was the food. I don't know if you know, but the Chuckster has some really delicious food. Pizza, salad bar, subs, breadsticks - it's all good. So last week, I was sitting at work with the lunch hour upon me. Remembering that I hadn't had the goodness that is CEC food for quite a long time, I decided to take a little trip over to get some take-out. Here's how it all went down:

Now, not many 27 year-old childless women head over to CEC all that often. But I wasn't about to let that stop me. It was about noon on a weekday, so I figured there wouldn't be too many people enjoying the CEC. I walked up to the door where the "Kid Station" greeted me. This is a velvet rope which won't let you enter the restaraunt unless you and everyone in your party gets their hand stamped with the same number. This is in place so that no one can take out a child they didn't come in with. I thought I may face some opposition here, but not to worry - a nice foreign man was there to open up the gate. So far so good.

Things kind of went down from there, though. I aproached the counter and stood there for a while with no one in sight. Then, the foreign man from before walked up and parked on the other side of the register, seemingly to take my order. I explained that I just wanted something to go, to which he said that I'd have to sit for 15 minutes first. Here's how that conversation went:

Foreign Man (FM): You'll need to wait 15 minutes first.

Me: I can't order for 15 minutes? Are you not open yet? I called your phone number and the automated voice told me that you opened at 10:00 AM.

FM: We open at 8:00 AM.

Me: 8:00 AM?

FM: No. 9:00 AM.

Me: Oh, well ok. So, why can't I order?

FM: You can order.

Me: I can?

FM: Yes. We only have one cook now, and there's a birthday party too.

Me: Oh, you meant that I could order now, but that it might be a couple minutes before it's ready.

FM: Yes.

Me: Oh, ok. I'll have a ham and cheese ciabatta and an order of breaksticks with sides of ranch and marinara sauce, all of it to go.

FM: ............ (stares at me) ..........

Me: Did you get that?

FM: Can you say it again?

Me: (I repreat the order.)

When I get done saying my order this time, he turns around and heads toward the back room without a word to me. No price for the food, no asking for money, nothing. I stand there for a couple minutes rather bewildered and annoyed. Then the manager comes out, explains that the foreign man couldn't understand a word I was saying (Damn that hard-to-understand midwestern dialect!), and manages to successfully take my order. She gives me a number to hold onto, which she says I must put down on one of the tables or else they will never be able to find me (remember, the restraunt is almost empty at this time of day). I began to be annoyed again, but then she gives me three game tokens! So, I decided to head upstairs to pass the time in the game area.

Looking around at all the games, I decide to spend my tokens on an old standby: Skeeball! I was glad to see that they still had skeeball, but had changed the name to "Fire Ball," probably because "fire" is cooler and connects with America's youth better that "skee". Which, incidentally, dictionary.com describes as "a long strip of wood, curved upwards in front, used on the foot for sliding." Yeah, fire's way cooler.

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I discovered that my Fire Ball game went the same way my typical bowling game goes. Three tokens bought three games. My first game went ok as I was getting a feel for the machine. My second game rocked the house as I hit the 40 and 50 point circles multiple times. My third game, unfortunately, really sucked. This is generally what happens when I bowl three games, but I thought it even more impressive as a game of Fire Ball only lasts about 30 seconds.

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At least through that minute and a half that I had game-playing fun, I had the CEC soundtrack playing in the background. "The band" was doing a remake of Lou Rawls hit "You're Gonna Miss My Loven'" called "You're Gonna Miss My Pizza". It was quite catchy. Sing with me:

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You'll never find.... toppings like mine...

You're gonna miss my pizza (you're gonna miss, you're gonna miss)

You're gonna miss my pizza, baby (and my salad bar)

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With my sweet Fire Ball skills, I managed to earn a whopping 12 tickets!

I took those tickets back up to the counter to see if I had enough to get myself a prize. The foreign man awaited me. Great. But no matter! Visions of prizes ringing in my head, I confidently aproached him and handed him my tickets. He counted them and told me that I couldn't have anything from the ten ticket bin (the lowest numbered bin they had). "I can't?" I asked him. "Yes, you can" he replied. "What do you suggest?" I asked. He just stared at me again. My options were a plastic spider, one tootsie roll, a paper spinning top or a plastic ring. I opted for an orange plastic ring with a star on it, because it accurately depicts what a superstar I am for choosing to eat a Chuck E. Cheese.

So, to sum up, Chuck E. Cheese: Great food, just be sure to speak slowly. Until next time!