The Month of May: They're All Out to Get You

Ok folks, someone answer me a little question: why does everything seem to hit the fan in May? I mean really - you go through the whole winter trudging through the snow and slush, scraping ice off your car, having good hair day upon good hair day ruined by sleet-soaked wind, and you finally make it to May. "Oh goody!" you think, "All of my extra-cirriculars are ending, the weather's beautiful and it's good times from here on out!" Well hold on there, partner. It's only just begun.

May is a peculiar month, in that it's probably the busiest and most fiscally draining month of the year besides December. Minnesotans get a bad rap for constantly talking about the weather with each other. We can go hours chatting weather with the same person and walk away feeling like we know them. It seems like a completely crazy concept to most of the world. But you've got to understand, weather is an active and dangerous force that drives a lot of our lives. Don't believe me?

Let's take a minute to break down the month of May, and why it's such an ordeal for everyone. You know what's great? Love. You know what people tend to want to do when they're in love? Get married. You know when a good month to get married would be? May! Why? Because it NICE OUTSIDE! That's right, baby - screwed by the weather. Everyone wants to get married in May. And it's not just the actual ceremony. If you're a woman, you've also got the bridal shower (personal AND kitchen) and bachlorette party, and if you're really lucky, you've also got the rehersal dinner, the make-up and hair day, dress fittings and the gift opening party after the wedding. Hey - when would be a good time to do all this stuff? Earlier in May! Yeehaw!

But, that wouldn't be so bad if it were the only kind of event going on. Remember what I said about the weather? Well, in Minnesota, not only are we met with extreme conditions in the winter, forcing us into our homes instead of outside, but the summers get us as well. In the month of August, it is typically too hot to be outside. Many people stay inside where the A/C keeps everyone cool and comfortable. But let's think about this. What do (hopefully married) grown-ups do when they're cooped up inside and bored out of their minds in August? They have sex! And what comes from having sex (kids, I'm talking to you)? Babies! There are an obscene amount of birthdays to celebrate in May, a mere nine months from August. Seriously - I have seven birthdays this month alone, eight if you count my nephew's that I'll be missing when I'm in the Middle East. Weddings and birthdays? People should be allowed to go on foodstamps in May just to cover costs!

Ok, so that's all well and good. I can handle that. I can even handle all the extra BBQ's and camping trips thrown in, again, because the weather's just so darn nice now. But, some brainiac 100 years or so ago decided to be a complete jackass and throw a big 'ol wrench into the mix. Somewhere along the line, someone decided to put not only one, but TWO national holidays in May. I'm talking Mother's Day and Memorial Day. And while I do get to take one of them off for work, I'm asking you - would it have been so bad to throw those into a another month? Seriously, I'm sure there are plenty of months out there with nothing to do, just waiting for their shot at a national holiday. June? What about June? Sure it's got Father's Day, but couldn't we just combine those and hit 'em both up in one weekend? That would sure be convenient. The only other "holiday" June has is Flag Day, which let's face it is more of a "JV" holiday anyway. Honestly, show me one person who gives a crap about Flag Day and I'll do a little dance for them. And what about August? Besides being the unofficial national baby-making month, it has absolutely no holidays to speak of whatsoever. But no, some genious decided to put 'em both in May. Jerk.

So yeah. Next year I'll have to remember to save up strength and some dough for May. It's good advice for us all - I'm sure you all feel my pain. Actually, when you really think about it, it's nice to have so many people to care about that care about you to be able to go through any of this stuff. But that wouldn't make for a very funny blog entry, now would it? ;)