Don't Be An Idiot: Tips For The Men Of Today

So, last weekend I went out with some friends for a friend of a friend's birthday party in downtown Minneapolis. Sounded simple enough: go out with some great people, meet some new great people, have a couple drinks, get my dance on, etc. Alas, one drunken man decided it would be fun to throw a wrench into the whole "having a fun night out" experience. So, I feel it is my duty to educate the young men of today, and give them a little insight into the inner workings of an American female. With that, I proudly present a new series (as I'm sure this won't be the last time some guy tries to pull something stupid in a bar) entitled, "Don't Be An Idiot: Tips For The Men Of Today".

Tip #1: It is unacceptable to walk up to a woman whom you've never seen/spoken to before and try to kiss them.

This is a major no-no. I was sitting on a stool with my back to a table, chatting with four or five girls who were standing around me, when a strange man I'd never seen before approached me. He put his hands on the table on each side of me, essentially cornering me. Without a single word, he leaned in towards me. At this point, the only thing I could think of was that he was trying to get around me to get something off the table. My brain could not fathom the possibility that a complete stranger would violate my personal space for any other reason. I actually tried to be polite and move out of his way, of course impossible by the aforementioned cornering. He kept leaning in and started to make "kissing sounds" with his mouth. At this point, my brain finally caught up with what was happening and moved straight into panic mode. I turned my head away from him and pushed against him as hard as I could with both hands. However, I was no match for his strength and he kept leaning towards me. Thankfully, he stopped when some of my girl friends began to question what was going on. This brings me to tip #2.

Tip #2: You will not make a girl like you more by insulting her friends.

As my friends moved in and began talking to him to see what he was doing, he began a profound monologue of "Come on, man. This girl's, like, the hottest thing is the bar tonight! This girl right here with the red top on. She's the best looking thing I've seen all night!" From there, the conversation went like this:

My friends: "Yes, but typically you should try talking to a girl or
learning her name before doing anything like what you just did."

The Idiot: "Oh, really? Whatever, man - she's so
hot!"

My friends: "Still, you can't just do what you did."

The Idiot: "Hey, man... I don't want you... or you... or
you... I just want THAT one!" How can I get that one to go on a
date with me?!"

My friends: "I think THAT one may be out of your
league."

The Idiot: (to me) "Man, your friends are so pretentious!
...Can I buy you a drink?"

The dumbass was very persistant. Eventually, one of my friends had to make up a fake boyfriend to get him to back off (he went to Carlson and works at General Mills, by the way) and even THEN it took some convincing. But, he eventually left and the rest of the night went smoothly. I did end up chatting with a couple guys where were very nice and polite (and one looked a lot like Ryan Reynolds).

Hopefully, these tips will help make the world a better place by helping men to know "the rules" about treating woman with respect and cultivate good character in the process. Yes, one can only hope.