The depths of Selfishness

I am a very selfish person. I've always been. I'm probably one of the most selfish people on the planet, and I hate it. Don't believe me?

Tonight I'm going to my friend J's baby shower in Stillwater. I had it in my head that I was going to leave earlier with our other friends C and A to help set up for it. So, I called C to figure out what time we were meeting up to go down. Not getting an answer, I called my friend J (the one having the shower). She asked me if I wouldn't mind setting up the carpooling with the rest of the people coming from my area, especially with another of our friends who didn't really know anyone besides me and J. So, imediately I think to myself "hey, what's up with this?" "I'm supposed to be "in" and be going to help set up." "What gives, here?"

Yes, my first instinct is to make this all about me. Charming, huh? So I ask J if it would be ok if I just rode down with them instead. She said that that would be fine.

So, the next day I call C again (at work) to get the details as to when we're meeting up. She says that I should instead coordinate the rides with the carpool. This time I begrudgingly agree, and call J again (at work) to get everyone's phone numbers. She's surprised, because she's already given that job to another guest who's going. She asks for C's number so she can call her and straighten everything out with her as to who's doing what.

So now, there's a big ordeal going on, all because I was jealous over not being picked to go down early to set up. Plus, I left work early to go down early, and didn't really even do any real work while I was there today. I just mainly surfed the internet, and got paid for it. I could have done a lot more, but didn't really feel like it today.

Yes, this is the depth of selfishness. Because my instinct is to care about myself first, and getting my way, I've turned this whole baby shower into something way more stressful than it needed to be. Instead of making it easier on everyone and being helpful, I was nothing but a burdon on everyone. Now I'm just thinking of driving myself there to save everyone anymore hassle.

I'm the worst of sinners. Nothing I can think of can compare to this. I really suck. I don't deserve any love at all from anyone, and especially not from a loving and self-sacrificing God. Seriously, I really believe that everyone I've ever met is less selfish than I am. I really don't know why people hang out with me. I really don't have anything much to offer to anyone.

Its my (ongoing) life goal to be able to put other's needs ahead of my own. I pray that I'll seek other people's best interests before my own. Though, I may need to move to another state where no one knows me to start. I'm sure that most people have probably run out of patience with me. I know I wouldn't want to hang out with me if I knew me. Well, the best I can do is to apologise to J tonight and try to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the evening. I can't believe that I blew my chance to be helpful because I was too proud, too selfish. I feel like a total failure. Maybe its best if I don't get too close to people - it would probably spare them a lot of grief.

But I'm thankful that I can at least realize this, because it gives me a second change to move out to try to love people. Loving God and loving people are the most important things to me (or at least I want them to be). Its true that as I wrote that last line the thought of "because then they'll all like me and want to hang out with me" popped into my head. I obviously have a long way to go. But I'll be trying. What I need to do is pray everyday that God would humble me and teach me to love Him and others and seek their needs ahead of my own.