The All-Powerful Wizzard Of Gerber

Something interesting came in the mail the other day. I got a letter from Gerber (the baby food company). Before I got the letter, I would have had no idea how my name got on a Gerber mailing distribution list. I don't spend Friday nights hanging at Babies "R" Us, for example. Since I got the letter, though, I now understand that Gerber has the ability to see the future.


The letter was addressed to "Laura and baby". Apparently, this all-knowing entity has gone from canning jars of mush for the toothless population of the world to foreknowing their destinies. I assume they'll soon be taking over the world.

The purpose of the letter is for me to purchase life insurance for the baby they tell me is on the way. After all, I need to be "thinking about the future while my child is still young." Included in this plan is an exciting opportunity to get a free "Welcome Baby" certificate. They even threw in a little mock-up of what it looks like, saying "Welcome Jane Smith!" I can only surmise that I will someday marry Mr. Smith (Will???) and that we'll name our new baby girl Jane. Not too original, but maybe it's one of those "it's retro so it's cool" deals, like argyle sweaters or the Democratic Party.

In the very last part of the letter, Gerber throws in that this would be a good certificate for my child "or even my grandchild". Hold the phone here - not only am I about to be a mother, but a grandmother as well?!?! Great. My child is going to be a tramp. Oh well - I guess it's better that I know sooner rather than later. Thanks Gerber!